Field Trips and Teachers

One of my favorite things that I get to do is volunteer as a chaperon for my boys' field trips. We get to go to exciting places, I get to know their friends better and all in all it's usually a great time. Recently, we went on a field trip to the Ordway Theater to see "A Tribute to James Brown". I was thrilled. Although, I didn't think that a group of 7-10 year old children would enjoy it quite as much as me. Now this production was supposed to show Africa's influence on funk music through the use of traditional, tribal, African songs; slavery folk songs, and James Brown funk. I think most of the children were lost on the message but they all enjoyed watching, listening and "seat" dancing.

Overall it was a great experience until we were back at the school. I took all the girls to the restroom where I ran into one of the teachers who was also at the concert. He politely asked me what I thought of the production. I responded that I really enjoyed it to which he replied, and I quote, "Yeah, I never knew James Brown had so much influence on Africa." I stopped, dumb founded. I didn't know what to do, what to say or what to think. I read his facial expressions and he was dead serious. I gauged my surroundings and decided against dropping a "WTF" in front of 25 small children. I didn't really think now was the time or place to give a history lesson and then I thought even further...this guy is teaching kids...this is the best for our children's futures. So I decided on the most appropriate act at the moment. I immediately turned, grabbed all the girls and walked away while he stood there wondering.

I hope someday he realizes that James Brown did not influence Africa but really I just didn't have the time to fix him. He seemed as though he might be one of the lost causes. So maybe it's really not the kids just their educators.

Grown-ups and Fire Drills

We all know the importance of our children knowing and understanding fire safety. We expect that they will have fire drills in school, have a discussion with a fireman on the importance of an action plan and what to do if you or your home catches on fire, and have a family meeting on what happens if the fire alarm sounds. But what about adults?

Is it necessary that adults go through the motions of completing a fire drill at work? Didn't we complete enough fire drills in our youth to be set for life? By the time you reach adulthood don't you know what a fire alarm sounds like and where to go if the building you are in catches on fire? If you don't, I'll help you out. The fire alarm is the loud screeching siren that doesn't stop, letting you know you are in danger and you need to get outside quickly. Now we all are informed on what to do during a fire emergency so what exactly is the point of a fire drill for knowledgeable adults?

I ask this because the other day while at work we had not one but two fire drills. I can't wrap my head around the importance of one fire drill and I got th privilege of participating in two on the same day!! I work in a two story building in which 40% of the exterior is covered in windows. I enter through the main entrance everyday which also happens to be my emergency exit. If the place goes up in flames, I'm fairly certain I can get out and if you can't see an obvious solution to getting out of this burning building than you my friend are a moron.

It was mid-October in Minnesota and the temperature was in the high 30's and someone decided it was a great time to have a fire drill. Always remember safety first. However, it would seem that the bigger safety concern was not how to get people out of the building during an emergency but rather how to treat frost bite after two 30 minute romps in the parking lot.

Now these fire drills are planned, obviously not by anyone who lives in Minnesota, so wouldn't you schedule them in...oh, I don't know April through September when you can be fairly certain that the weather will be cooperative when having your employees stand outside for an hour. Not to mention, as an employer wouldn't you prefer that the idiots that couldn't figure their way out of a burning building just expire. Obviously, these are not the best and brightest that one would want to staff their company with. I know that seems rather harsh but really it's just natural selection at its finest.

Perhaps they should start using fire drills as a way of weeding out the job pool candidates. If you are too stupid to figure out how to get out of a burning building you are too stupid to work here.

Time versus Money

Have you ever asked yourself, how much is your time actually worth? I ponder this question a lot and I always seem to come up with different answers. For example, I think I am worth much more per hour than my job is willing to pay me but we have come to a compromise, if I show up at least they will pay me. But I also realize that there are things that you couldn't pay me to do like go to the movies to watch a horror flick. I don't want to waste two hours of my time doing something I hate only to have nightmares when I go to sleep. And there are things you wouldn't have to pay me to do like read a good book or go swimming at the beach because I love these doing these things.

Then there is the other perspective, how much would I be willing to pay to have someone else do some of the things I have to do, in order to have more time to do the things I like to do? I suppose I would pay someone $5 to wash my dishes because although it's not my favorite thing to do it's really not that bad nor does it take that long but I think someone else may find that $5 is a bit on the low side and probably won't want to take the time to drive to my house and wash my dishes for $5. So, I guess, I'll probably have to keep washing my own dishes.

As my list goes on, I realize that there is no real answer or so I thought. Sometimes I realize in order to understand the wisdom that comes with life you just have to listen to a child. The child in this instance is my youngest son, Kylen. Now that I have reentered the workforce on a full time basis, I realize that it is a big adjustment for all of us. My children miss having me around all the time, I miss being around all the time, and I don't always have the time for all the things I want to do like bike rides, play dates, and field trips but we have a much more secure future because of the sacrifice.

As adults we all understand the reasoning but sometimes it's hard for children to grasp the concept. So as much as I tried to explain all the "reasons" that mommy went back to work it just didn't seem to help. But kids are so much smarter than we adults give them credit for.

Because of Kylen, I now know that my time is worth a nickel...Yep, that's right a whole whoppin' five cents!! You see Kylen does understand why I have to go to work, to him I work in order to get paid. Kylen was willing to pay me for my time. He was willing to pay me five cents so I wouldn't have to go to work and I could just play with him. Now I couldn't not go to work but I could drop everything right then and there in order to spend some quality time with my son.

Now, maybe he knows that for him my time is always free but now I know that all it takes is one shiny nickel to turn me into mush and drop everything for the two most wonderful people I know. Now that we've mastered Time vs. Money, our next lesson is going to be about business and how to drive a hard bargain. Perhaps, Kylen will teach me a thing or two about that as well!

The Difference Between Living There and Visiting There

Last week, the family and I decided to take a drive up to Duluth and head up the North Shore for some fall foliage spectating and hiking. This is not a new adventure for us as we do it every year. We take a tour around Duluth, check out Canal Street, pick up smoked salmon at Russ Kendall's, and pick a few state parks to go hiking through. I love it!! I absolutely look forward to every fall for our little get away.

However, I realized that as much as I love going up there in the fall and checking everything out, I would probably shoot myself if I ever lived there. What a God Awful place to live!! I can only imagine how barren and desolate of a place it is in the winter. Not to mention you are even further north, where it is colder longer. The area was built up around mining and logging, so career opportunities leave something to be desired. All this combined with the lack of Vitamin D could quite possibly make me go insane.


After putting the North Shore into perspective of visiting compared to living, I realized many places are like this. Take Mexico for example. They have beautiful beaches, tons of activities, snorkeling, yummy drinks with umbrellas, and cheap souvenirs, but I wouldn't ever want to live there. The cartel runs rampant, you can't flush the toilet paper or drink the water, small children are put to work selling Chiclets to tourists, and many of the people have a standard of living far below what me or my family has become accustomed to.

And the list just continues. Africa has safaris but if you live there you might get AIDS. Greece has beautiful architecture and sightseeing but if you live there you might want to reconsider seeing as your country is about to be bankrupt. Then there's Afghanistan and they have well...nothing, never mind Afghanistan but you do get my point most places are better if you just visit them.

Dollars and Sense

We all know that children don't necessarily have the best grasp on the concept of money but this week Kylen takes the cake. I have recently rejoined the American work force. In Kylen's mind I have done so in order to make money to buy him treats. Makes sense! I was so glad that Kylen understood that I was going to work for the betterment of the family!! However, I was a little presumptuous in my thinking.

Kylen really does think that I go to work simply to buy him treats!! He has decided that if he is able to give me money for treats than I won't go to work and that is precisely what he has been doing!! To date he has given me all his birthday money, change he has found on the ground, change I have given him from the washing machine, change from my purse (this takes the cake) and the $5 grandpa gave him specifically to buy himself a treat!!

As heartwarming and heartfelt as his gestures are not to mention a little funny, too, I hope he starts to understand that I still have to go to work. Otherwise, I might just give in for a Starburst!!

The Great Minnesota Get Together

For Labor Day my family and I decided to get out and enjoy the state fair. I know everyone talks about all the food they eat and what new sort of edible crap they can put on a stick but that is not why I love the state fair. I love the state fair for people watching. It just doesn't get any better!!

You see it all, tourists, crabby kids, crabby parents, inebriated, wannabe gang bangers, rednecks, hillbillies, tweekers, skanks, extremely large people in little clothes, people in costume for no apparent reason, and my favorite this year the un-handicapped all in one fenced in area.

I call them the un-handicapped because if you were truly handicapped you wouldn't have to rent a wheelchair or an electric mobility scooter. This phenomenon is truly a testament to the laziness of Americans (specifically Minnesotans, today). If you are too fat to walk the state fair grounds, perhaps you should spend the next 51 weeks preparing and lose some weight or stay home next year. If you are just plain lazy, again I suggest you stay home next year. I normally do everything in my power to make room for people in wheelchairs, whether it is in a public restroom, grocery store aisle, shopping mall, etc. but I had a really hard time sympathizing with the fat and lazy at the state fair and they were easy to spot they had the cart rental number posted to the back of them.

Seriously, what has to happen in an able bodied person's mind to decide that they are going to rent a wheelchair or power scooter? Did they consciously decide to be a drain on society? Did they think no one would notice that they rented they wheelchair/power scooter? Did they think they were automatically going to get the "perks" associated with being in a wheelchair/power scooter with out the sacrifices that actually handicapped people have to endure? I really just wanted to scream at these people, "What is wrong with you? Get up and move your able legs!! Have you no pride?" and then when I was done berating them I would push them down maybe then they would be a little more appreciative of the gifts they possess such as being able to walk!!

Other People's Kids!!

Here's the story. We were having dinner at Dairy Queen on their fenced in patio, when two little boys, twins about 4 or 5, burst out of the door. They proceeded to leave the fenced in area and run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Their mother soon followed and was calmly telling them to come back. They answered her with a "NO" and proceeded to climb over the fence, onto a table occupied by two women having a conversation, child free. The mother responded by calmly asking them to stop doing that and come to her.

Does anyone else see a problem with this situation? I was so appalled, I briefly considered beating my own children so they didn't get any ideas that this type of behavior was acceptable. Apparently, this mother thought young children have a right to misbehave, not listen and tell their mother "NO". Where was her urgency to control the situation? Why was she not upset? Has society become so lackadaisical that we can't have control over our children and bad parenting is acceptable? This was not a case of children just being children. This was a case of bad parenting. When do you ask a child to listen to you? You don't and you shouldn't have to. You are the parent, you are the authoritarian, you are the boss, and you make the rules.

To make this story worse, the mother just shrugged. Really?!? You allowed your children to disrupt 5 different groups of people, allowed them to be rewarded with an ice cream treat, allowed them to put themselves in danger by running by a busy street when they left the gated area and all you do is shrug?

Because of this situation, I think I am now in favor of strangers disciplining children when their parents have obviously failed miserably. We've heard people talk about "white people not beating their kids" and now I know why.

All I Needed Was 5 Minutes

This week, Kylen and I are on our own. Zachary is visiting relatives and Dustin is out bringing home the bacon. However, the world does not strictly revolve around Kylen and I needed to take care of some business...on the phone. Now I can pay bills, send emails, write thank yous and make cookies all while World War III is happening in my very own living room, but talking on the phone is a whole other ball game.

Previous experience has taught me that no matter how many times you say that you are going to be making a very IMPORTANT phone call and need the boys on their best behavior with no fighting, arguing, yelling, hitting and most importantly NO INTERRUPTING, it doesn't fail that all of the above will happen within the first 30 seconds of the said important phone call. I have also learned that bribery doesn't work either and because Zachary is gone I don't dare send Kylen outside by himself for fear that he may try and make a break for it.

So today, I decided to be 3 steps ahead of the game. I told Kylen that he needed to take a shower before we left and didn't even mention that I was going to be on the phone. We started the shower, got his special soap out (I figured an empty bottle of body wash was worth the five minutes of quiet) and he embarked on his shower time. Now my boys will spend hours in the tub or shower so I really thought I had a fool proof plan.

Oh, how wrong I was. While I was making my important phone calls interruption free, Kylen had managed to get the shower head down and was turning our bathroom into a water park. That's right shower curtain open with a rain storm pouring down my walls onto the floor. By the time, I finished my first phone call the entire bathroom floor had an inch of standing water on it.

As Kylen sat in time out while I mopped up the bathroom, I realized how much I miss nap times. I think all future important phone calls will have to wait until they both leave to go to school, this is the best option for both my sanity and their safety.

The Truth Behind Caffeinated Beverages and Children

If you are like myself and most other parents I know or can on some level relate to, you are fueled by caffeinated beverages. I myself am a Diet Coke whore, I dream of the day that one can intravenously drip that nectar from the gods straight into my veins but for now I prefer it from a 12 ounce can. You might prefer, coffee, Red bull, Mountain Dew, etc., but whatever your poison I'm sure your children have a weird obsession with your caffeinated beverage of choice similar to Eve's obsession with the forbidden fruit. My boys are no different. They will do anything in their power to have that sweet nectar touch their lips, however, being the sensible parent that I am, I do everything in my power to prevent this from happening. Just the thought of two kids bouncing off the walls from their bout with caffeine is enough to make we want to pull my hair out but even I have my own Achilles heel. The vehicle, mini-van, cougar cruiser, silver bullet, whatever it is that you transport your children around in, that my friends is my weakness. The only thing worse than have children bounce off the walls from caffeine induced high, is listening to them fight, scream, complain, argue, talk incessantly while continuously getting louder to make sure they are the one child being heard, in the cougar cruiser. While in this state of transport, I am likely to say yes to anything and today I did. While out running errands, we stopped and got a snack, although they did not have Diet Coke, they did have Diet Mountain Dew, and I bought myself a filled to the brim vat of that not as good as Diet Coke nectar. That is when Kylen launched his sneak attack and asked if he could just have a sip. Under the duress of being in the cougar cruiser with the boys and running errands and listening to them argue and complain, I obliged. Foolishness. You would think by this stage in the game I would be better prepared to fend off this attack but I was not. I handed over my vat of Diet Mountain Dew and watch in horror through the rear view mirror as he guzzled as much of that sweet nectar down as fast as he could. Now I know what you are thinking, take it away, but it wasn't that simple. He had positioned his little self just out of reach of my grasp. I tried asking politely, I demanded, I even threatened but he still just sat their guzzling just a hair out of my reach. I even tried reasoning with him,"Kylen, why don't you want to give mommy back her soda, you wouldn't like it if I took something away from you." To which Zachary responded,"Mom, he knows that it's his one chance, that if he gives it back, he won't get any more sips so he has to drink as much as can as fast as he can." It now had my full blown attention, I had just been duped by a 4 year old. My children are much more tactically skilled than myself, I will admit, but I still get to make the rules. In the end, Kylen returned by soda for fear of having to take a nap and I got to leave bouncing off the walls, 4 year old, with Dustin while I went to work. I guess it worked out to be a draw for the two of us this time but I will be much better prepared next time.

Matinee Movies

I don't know if you all realize this, but many movie theaters offer morning showings of children's movies during the summer at a discount price. Thanks to Nancy and American Family, we were given numerous free passes which made it seem like an even better idea to attend these movies. However, seeing that I have a child who refuses to watch television, movies, video games, or anything else that might occupy one's attention for more than two minutes, I have never bothered bringing both of my boys to a movie theater, but seeing that it was free, I decided to give it a try and much to my surprise it was AWESOME. Although, I do think it was awesome for entirely different reasons than one would expect.

The Top Ten Reasons Why Morning Children's Movie Showings are Awesome:

10. They offer $2 specials on popcorn and pop. Let's face it nobody wants to go broke buying their children treats that are going to eventually end up all over the floor, accidentally, of course.
9. Every stay at home mom on the north side of town was is in attendance with their children. It's always good to do a comparison check every six months or so to make sure you're still in the realm of normalcy.
8. You don't mind getting up to take one or both of your children to the restroom 10 times because honestly, you don't really care if you see the movie or not.
7. It's air conditioned. Need I say more when it's 100 degrees outside.
6. You can seat hop, because everybody else is doing it.
5. It does not matter that your children talk through the entire movie because all of the other children are doing it, too and you're just happy that it's 90 minutes of hands off, worry free time.
4. No matter how big of a mess your child made with the $2 popcorn, don't worry some other child made a bigger mess and made your kids look angelic.
3. It's free. At least it was for us.
2. You hope this will inspire your child (you know the one that doesn't watch television or maybe it's just my kid who doesn't watch T.V.) to take the initiative and watch a movie at home.

And the Number 1 reason these movies are awesome:
If you start to tear up during these animated films because you are over sensitive, don't worry you are not alone and your husband can not make fun of you, at least 15 other moms were wiping their tears right along side of you.

The Problem with Corporate America

My family and I have decided to help fund raise for the Epilepsy Foundation. Thus, we are participating in the Stroll for Epilepsy 2011. For this event, I spoke to my direct supervisor and explained that I would need August 11th off. She informed me that I would have to request the time off from her superior in writing. Evidence of first issue: There is absolutely no straight communication channel between said supervisor and said superior. I oblige and send an email informing the superior of my need for time off and the reason. Evidence of second issue: I get no response for over a week. I approach this superior and question if she did in fact receive the email that I sent for the time off request. After thinking about it for a minute, she said that she did receive it but unfortunately, they are not granting any time off requests for the month of August, especially for a soccer game. Evidence of third issue: She does not know the difference between a fundraiser and a soccer game. I gently re-inform her of the reason for the time off request. Which she then tells me again that they are not granting time off requests, but if I absolutely can not make it into work, I should call in sick. Evidence of fourth and final issue: The contact person for calling in sick is the superior in which I am currently speaking with.

This is how I know Corporate America is fucked. I am not allowed to take the time off to participate in a charity event, but I can play hooky and call in sick. Somehow lying, making excuses, and calling in sick has become more acceptable than honesty, open communication, and giving back to society.

Family Vacations

I love vacations, regardless of the fact that my life is pretty much a vacation. I love getting away from the city, finding new things to explore and taking the boys on adventures. This year we decided to do a week long vacation, dividing our time staying at my grandmother's cabin and my in-law's cabin. This seemed like a wonderful (inexpensive) idea, and all in all it turned out great, except for one thing. I found out that when you allow your children to hang out with their grandparents for 10 days straight, it has a similar effect as to you giving a heroin addict black tar. Half way through the vacation I was no longer referred to as mom or Tara but only as mean. It was justified after all, you see I was the only person who dared to tell my children "no". "No, you may not drink a case of pop in one afternoon", "No, you are not allowed to pee freely", "No, you may not eat all the cookies before dinner", etc. The list goes on and on but instead of my "No" being firm and solid, it was met with the attitude that I'll just ask Grandma or Grandpa because God only knows that none of them would dare to talk to a child the way I had. Obviously, I didn't have a clue. Of course children should be indulged with their every want and whim. Of course. However, I'm not even upset about these events because I have a plan. I know that one day they will have children of their own and God cannot even help them stop the vicious cycle that I promise to continue. I realize all too clearly that grandparents are allowed to indulge their grandchildren because there are no repercussions to them only to the parents and in 30 years or so to my children!

Liquor Stores and Kids

Why do all liquor stores hand out suckers to children? I try to avoid taking my children to a liquor store due to my effort to create morally righteous, good decision makers and my effort to not come across as a total degenerate, alchy mother, who covers her tracks by bribing her children with a Dum Dum. However, my children have, on occasion, been to the liquor store (or as my 4 year old refers to it as the "wine store") and much to their glee and enjoyment have always received a Dum Dum upon leaving. Now it's not that I'm against my children having a sugary treat, it's more that I'm against the label.

You all know the label I'm talking about. You see that little toe-headed boy walking around with that white stick hanging out of his mouth, with drool and sugary gooieness dripping all around his mouth, shirt and fingers, and you know that his parent just finished shopping at the liquor store. You're mind starts wandering. You think to yourself, "Hmm, I wonder what they just bought?" and before you know it you've turned an innocent shopping trip with a parent and a child into a case that should immediately be seen by Child Protective Services.

As a result of this and my paranoia, I think there should be a ban on liquor stores giving out Dum Dums. As I've said before, I'm not against them giving my children a treat, after all I'm buying a treat for myself, I just think the treat should be chosen more carefully, such as a tic-tac, piece of gum, or a bit-o-honey.